Hope Beats Hate

How is HATE abolished without more hate?
Through love and understanding. Through hope and kindness, Through information and education.
 I’ve been waiting since the 60’s for that. Try, try again. Watching history repeat itself makes believing that there has been or will be a change difficult.  Why would we want to escape if the hate from the 60’s had died. Peace, love, understanding and education didn’t work then, why will repeating the same work now? 

The above was an exchange with a friend of a friend and I asked that she give me time to respond as after reading her comments I wanted to answer thoughtfully.  I feel her frustration. After much thought, some things that came to mind were, I believe many things have changed from the 60’s and through love, understanding, kindness, and all of it there has been changes towards abolishing hate. Is it completely abolished? No. Will it ever be?  Most likely not. Does that mean we stop trying?  For me, that answer is easy – HELL NO.

I believe that hate stems from a foundation of fear. There are two main avenues I believe the fear comes from. The fear that happens when a person either does not have the correct information or simply decides to ignore the correct information and the fear of losing something, typically power.

The fear of loss of power feeds hate in a way that does not always look like fear. In fact, people who bully others (a type of hate) typically do not look afraid. Typically, they are the ones causing the victim to be afraid but I believe nine times out of ten the bully is afraid of something. Whether it is others seeing them as weak, losing some sort of status they believe they have, something in their mind tells them this behavior is necessary for their survival.  They aren’t wrong per se, in their mind, they are misinformed. Which brings us back to education or correct information. 

(It is very important that education or correct information not be misconstrued with an opinion or incorrect information.  Correct information is associated with a word – that word would be FACT.  Unfortunately, the word FACT has been attacked and somehow become the new “F-word” and is not respected as it should be so for this article and to keep things clear I will continue to use the phrase – correct information.)

How some people feel if homosexual couples get the same rights as male/female couples it somehow invalidates their marriage. This is incorrect information and opinion.  If two men or two women marry one another and have the same legal rights as a man and woman couple it does not take anything away from the man/woman union.  It does not make it less legitimate, it does not take away any legal rights, it does nothing to their marriage AT ALL.  Even if man/woman believe in a religion that believes it is a sin to be in a relationship with someone from the same gender giving homosexuals the legal right to marry does not condemn the man/woman relationships. It just doesn’t.  If, and for me, it’s a big “IF”, homosexuality is a sin and those engaged in it are solidifying their fate to some fiery hell, that is between them and God, it still has no bearing, no influence, no power or authority over the same-sex marriage in any way.  Why hate? Leave Tom and Bob, Sarah and Ann alone.  They are humans in love and are not asking you to join them. (On a side note: I believe the high percentages of marriages that end in divorce are more of an attack on marriage than any same-sex marriage and even so, I do not hate or condemn people who are divorced. Put your hate away.)

Systems of faith and worship, also known as Religion often is the foundation some will stand on to justify their hate.  If you are condemning someone, if you have a right that you are not affording to someone else based on your religion, that is hate.  You can have your belief system, your faith but do not take away another person’s rights because of it.  There is a very good reason our forefathers separated Church and State. This is because the whole reason they fled their country for a new land was so they could worship as they wanted. Religious freedom is the basis of what the United State of America was built on. Yes, most of the people who came over and wrote our Constitution were Christians but they did not and had no intentions of creating a Christian Nation. They knew what it was like to be told they must align themselves with whatever religion the monarchy deemed and they came here looking to get and give the freedom to worship as each individual wished.  This is why religion has no place in making laws.

Yesterday my husband and son were having a discussion about feminism and I was enlightened on some incorrect information my husband had, when my son said, “Feminist are against men and hate them, right?” My husband said yes and I immediately had to clear that up. And just to clear it up for those of you who think the same thing … feminists do not hate men. (Well, I suppose there are people out there who happen to be feminist and may, in fact, hate men but they don’t hate them because they are feminist) Feminism is not about hating men or taking anything away from them. It is about raising women up and equality for them.  No one would ever say Martin Luther King hated white people just because he wanted equality for blacks. 

Wanting equal rights does not mean you want to take away the rights of others; it does not mean you want to lessen the rights of others. It simply is wanting, and frankly deserving, the same rights afforded to others because that is what is right.  That is what we all deserve because we are all humans. Period.  It does not matter our color, our gender, our religious affiliation, or our income each one of us have inalienable rights and here in the United States of America we also have rights granted to us by The Constitution. 

Check your hate at the door, people.  If you are treating another human badly, you need to stop and ask yourself why. What are you afraid of?  Being kind to them, will it really hurt you?  If they have the same rights as you, will your rights be lessened?  Is the information you have correct?  How would you feel if you were being treated the way you are treating them?  Take a breath. Ask yourselves these questions, check yourself.  And while we are at it, check on others. If you see people spreading hate, hurting others, stand up and be the voice of CORRECT INFORMATION.

Let’s stop the hate, together, and no matter how long it takes, let’s not give up HOPE!

Love Lots;Smile Often 

How Do You "Unplug"

There is much going on in our world today that can bring us down or make us angry.  It is no secret our country is very divided presently, however, we all still have to roam this beautiful landscape in some form together.  There is no way to avoid things that make us upset completely but how about unplugging for a spell and clearing your mind?

Autumn is the perfect time to breath in deep to enjoy the crisp air, stroll through the park or even down your streets and take in all the bountiful colors, stop by a local farm or cider mill and enjoy some warm cider and, if you are so inclined, pumpkin spice anything!

May I also suggest putting your phone on airplane mode for a bit?  With all the wonderful sights you may not want to shut it off because you will want to take a picture or three hundred but silence your phone. Take a break from calls, texts, and mostly the internet to just enjoy the beauty of Autumn.  In Western New York there are Fall Festivals, as well as many parks to enjoy a hike in, not to mention camping.  Whether you tent camp or cabin camp, getting out into the woods at this time of year is definitely a nice breather from all the chaos that surrounds us these days.  And even for those of you who just aren't "camping material" check out some Bed and Breakfast places.  There are plenty in the heart of wooded countrysides and maybe if you are lucky you won't get any service on your cell so you can truly unplug for a night.

Spend some time around a campfire not discussing the events happening around us.  Talk about childhood memories, how beautiful the leaves are, sing songs together, or just enjoy the crackling of the fire.  A campfire with a warm cup of cider on a cool crisp Autumn evening after a long hike enjoying the variety of colors is enough to put anyone into a calm and restful state of mind.  We all need a break from the daily grind and a break from the climate of anger surrounding the news lately isn't a bad idea either. 

Happy Autumn everyone - go enjoy it!

A Question of Opinion

What's different about opinions today than from yesteryears?  In a word (or two), social media.  There is an old saying, "Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and they all stink."  Two things, the quote itself is an opinion (Irony anyone?) And the opinion it states doesn't seem very respectful.  I bring up respect because I was asked about respecting other's opinions, and the more I thought about it, the more I thought - people don't and never have if they disagree with their own opinion.  So what is different today? 

It's just my opinion, (insert snarky smile here) but people are more "vocal" today. When you shared your opinion before social media, it was within a small group of people.  It might have gotten heated, there might have been vulgarities thrown around but it was spoken and typically not recorded. When the event ended or the group broke up and went on to other venues the discussion was done and people moved on.  Today, someone writes a post, through Twitter, Facebook, a blog, and suddenly masses of people, (often people who have never even met) people from all over the world have something to say about that opinion. (And it is there forever, screenshots have added a new dynamic to the permanency of our responses.)  Add in that the responders are behind a screen at a keyboard typically far far away from the original opinion writer and they feel "safe" in saying whatever they please.  In a face to face group, there was always a risk of being popped in the face with a fist or something, no worry about the physical retort on social media!

Today, it would seem as though more people very quickly make personal threats and use vulgar language to cut down another person's opinion when it doesn't match their own views because social media is, well, immediate. It isn't that people didn't disagree before the internet, it is just the internet has made discussions larger and more accessible. This is not reserved for politics and religion.  People will get into heated arguments over sports, entertainment, lawn care, driving, and just about anything.  If you have an opinion about something and you put it out there on social media to the public, I can almost guarantee that you will hit a nerve with someone who has to share why your opinion is wrong.

The super tragedy of this is, we now have venues in which we can reach an abundance of people from all different backgrounds. We could learn so much. We have the ability to read, contemplate and think before reacting.  There isn't a time limit on when we can respond to a post.  We can also choose not to respond. (Remember when Momma said, "If you don't have anything nice to say, best to not say anything at all"?) However, so many choose not to only respond but to actually attack the person.  Not the opinion, they do not debate or set forth valid reasons for their difference of opinion but actually, attack the person with words because their opinion differs.  I believe these attacks are the worst part of social media and the biggest difference between the pre-internet era and today.  Even if people did attack the person verbally, I do not feel that people threatened them.  I don't recall anyone telling someone to "go kill themselves" just because their opinion differed from theirs.  Granted, I've not lived everywhere, I have not been privy to every debate of opinion throughout time and the world, however, it is, again, my opinion that many have thrown out discretion, hide behind their anonymity, and often write terrible hurtful things to strangers without thought of how damaging it can be.  This is the sad dark side of the internet and social media.

The new questions we should be asking ourselves before we post comments are: How does my comment benefit the conversation? How does my comment help us to move forward as a society? and maybe most importantly: Would I say this comment out loud face to face in front of a large group?

We need, more than ever, to check ourselves before typing.  The animosity today is thick. 
Tensions are high and it would seem, understanding and empathy have fallen by the wayside.  We have more and quicker access to a larger amount of information and people.  Instead of being quick to attack another's opinion how about we take a little time to get to know where people are coming from, what background they have, and "listen," ask questions, learn and maybe even comment with, "I respectfully disagree and this is why," rather than attacking.  It all starts somewhere, let kindness and understanding begin with you.

#BeKind #LoveLotsSmileOften

A Clarification of Representation

As a woman with a certain set of skills that traditionally are not considered womanly, I understand being treated badly because someone believes I shouldn't be able to use a certain power tool, or know where a part is under the hood of an automobile. Being thought of as less educated, less able, or less anything pales in comparison to being thought of as a criminal simply based on the color of my skin.  This is why Colin Kaepernick and others kneel.  If this bothers you I have a few questions for you:

Do you kneel to pray? Have you always stood during the National Anthem, with hand on heart, facing the flag, not talking to your neighbor or doing any number of other things?  How about when it is on television and you are in the comfort of your own home?  Do you stand? Or do you sit on your couch with your nacho chips and beer?  Have you always cared SO MUCH about our flag?  Do you have one properly displayed on your property?  Do you know how to properly display it? And most importantly, when did the flag of the United States of America become a representation of veterans?

Do not misinterpret that last question, I love many veterans. I have many close to me, related to me, and many I call dear friends but the flag does not represent them - it represents our country. ALL OF US!  Me, you, the crying baby just born, Colin Kaepernick, my mother-in-law who only became a citizen because she wanted a passport to go on a cruise, the immigrants that came off the boat to Ellis Island in 1892 who became citizens because they wanted a better life, the slaves that were brought here in the early 1600's who were granted citizenship (finally) in 1868, and every person "born or naturalized in the United States" according to the 14th Amendment of our Constitution. The flag represents all of our country, not a select group.

Veterans who scream, "I fought for that flag and kneeling disrespects me." Frankly, no. You are wrong. It does not disrespect you or this country. This country, which again I remind you - is represented by the flag, is what you fought for.  And let's be real for a moment, not all that served did out of "love for their country".  There are many reasons why people have served over the history of our country.  Some served simply because they were told they had to (and some lied and cheated to get out of it).  The fact of the matter is, this country, is made up of many different people, of many different backgrounds, and many different colors and that flag represents every single one of us.

The Constitution of the United States of America affords each of us the right to protest.  In fact, it is the very first amendment:

            Amendment I. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

This is a foundation of what our country was built on.  You do not have to agree with it, you do not have to like it. You do have to know that this is what is written.  

Let me end with this clarification:

Veterans fight for our country which is represented by our flag (and National Anthem)- which represents all the citizens of the United States of America who are given the right by the first amendment of our Constitution to protest peaceably something that needs to be fixed. And the way in which minorities and people of color are treated in this country needs to be fixed, posthaste.

First Impressions Need Time

How many times have you looked at something only to find on closer inspection it wasn't what you thought it was?  This may hold true for people as well!

We meet someone and there is always that first impression.  Sometimes the first impression happens even before we speak to them.  You see a someone across a room, maybe it is the way they are dressed, the people surrounding them, or lack thereof, or possibly it is the cut of their hair or their stride. For whatever reason, you gather the data and in your mind, you begin forming an opinion of that person. A judgment.  You might be spot on or you may be so far off the mark no one can figure out how you even got there, the point is, it is human nature.  I'm not a fan of it but it cannot be helped except ... it can!

Of course, we cannot necessarily control the first thoughts that go through our minds upon meeting or seeing someone. It is typically based on history.  Your eyes take in what they see and your brain associates it with things from your past; things you have read, experienced or heard about.  Basically, your brain takes all this information from the past and mixes it up with what you are experiencing at this moment and comes up with "a theory" of sorts. You cannot help the experiences and knowledge from your past mixed with the current information create a certain conclusion. However, you can choose to put that thought on the back burner and allow time, conversation, and allow personal experience with the specific person to create a much better and a more well-informed impression. Testing the theory of sorts, as it were.

People are not generally patient.  They want instant results and there is something about "gut reactions" that some people feel are truer to form than allowing time to make a decision or form an opinion. This is absurd due mostly to the fact that a gut reaction has only the immediate information to base its response on and we all have "off" days. Gut reactions may be a good starting point, but gathering more data and making an informed decision is better.  Add in that there are so many sides to all of us. How unfair and unfortunate if we are judged on just one small part of who we are? Not just for the person being judged but for the person making the judgment.  You never know when you are going to miss out on someone truly spectacular because you decided too soon they weren't worth your time. 

Let's give one another a chance to be our best selves and remember, that won't necessarily be the very first time we meet.

Always Fabulous!

There is something that we all do. When you are walking by someone, you meet face to face, you talk on the phone, you cash out, in so many situations to strangers and to those familiar to us, countless times throughout the day you and I both say, "How are you?" Most of us, if we are being honest, aren't expecting or even wanting a real answer.  In fact, how many times have you been answered with no answer but a "Hello," or a "How are you?" back? It is just one of those things people do and we do not give much thought to.  Typical answers are "fine," "good," "okay" no matter how the recipient of the question actually feels.  My answer? Always fabulous.

This response to the everyday question of "How are you?" has had some pretty interesting reactions.  Some people say, "Wow. ALWAYS?" Some say, "I love it, I'm going to steal that." (As if I own the statement.)  No matter the verbal reaction, I have yet to not see a smile on someone's face when I say it. Every single time - "How are you?" "Always fabulous!" Smile!  And you know what? It makes me smile too.

Recently, my family and I have been going through a pretty terrifying and life-altering situation. One that has added trips to the hospital on a daily basis. I meet and see parking attendants, security guards, cleaning staff, nurses, PCA's, doctors, patients, visitors, and more as I trek from my car up to my destination. Many of them are the same people and we have gotten to know one another's faces and because I am who I am, I've learned most of the "regulars" names. Still every day, every time I pass by one of them and they ask, "How are you?" I respond with, "Always fabulous!" And many of them have begun to smile and say it along with me or rather than ask the age-old question they have changed it to, "Still fabulous?"  At which point I respond with a big smile and "Always!"

The other day, I bumped into one of the parking attendants on a break getting coffee and he asked me a different question, "How are you always fabulous?"  I smiled and asked, "What's the alternative?"  He looked at me quizzically so I went on ...
       "When you smile you feel better. When you say you are always fabulous you begin to feel fabulous, especially when others are smiling back at you because of it. Life isn't always perfect and neither are we. We can wallow in the bad times or we can rise above them.  I don't like the feeling of sadness and anger. I certainly do not like causing others to feel that way so, if smiling and saying I'm always fabulous, even when I may not be feeling particularly fabulous at the moment and it brings a smile to someone's face, well, then I've made the world a little bit more tolerable for them and me!"

He smiled even bigger. He said he liked my attitude. I told him I liked his smile. Kindness certainly does go a long way, doesn't it? 

I have bad days, very few people know it. Not because I don't share but more because they are few and I don't allow myself to sit there for too long. Is it easy? Not always but anything worth having is worth working for and I work to be happy and share happiness.  I have a few people in my life who ask me how I am and when I answer "Always fabulous!" They want to pop that bubble. They will ask in a stern voice, "Really? Always?" or say, "I find that hard to believe." My answers are often the same, "Yes. Always!" and "You can follow me around for the day and see if it's true." (No one has ever taken me up on the offer.)  I am not sure why people have a hard time with someone who is "always fabulous".  I am unsure of why someone else being happy, whether it is 100% true or not should be a problem to someone else.  What I am sure of is a positive attitude will always feel better than a negative one and when someone looks at me and asks, "How are you?" I will be responding with my best smile and the words, "Always fabulous!"

How are you?