2020 A New Year; A New Vision

In these days of social media, we are privy to a record of past bad days, boring Wednesdays, frustrating evenings, and possibly things we would rather forget. I was reminded of this just yesterday when on my Facebook, a notification from "Memories" popped up. The memory was a post, "an end of year recap" of 2017.  2017 would be remembered mostly because of a tragedy at the end of the year. It would be defined by this. But guess what? It wasn't! The year itself was filled with many exciting things. Apparently, on December 31, 2017, I recognized that, but through 2018 and 2019, I changed.  The hardships of one event engulfed me in such a way that I have been unable to grasp the not so hard moments and even the glorious ones since then.  How did this happen? How did this happen to me? 

(Keep an eye on the first word of that last question, I did not write "why," I  wrote, "how." Why things happen is up in the air. We do not know "why"  some people who smoke get lung cancer, and others don't.  We will never know "why" bad things happen to good people and vice versa. However, "how," how we react to all these things, THAT is our decision and under our control.)  

I have been a pretty positive person throughout my life.  I would say I am indeed a "glass is half full" type if I wanted to use that cliche. I enjoy picking out the very best in the worst of people and helping them to achieve their best selves.  I'm a dreamer, a hope finder, a get things doner, (is that a word?) well, you know what I mean.  And somehow, I allowed all the wrong moments starting from the end of 2017 to pile up and mask anything beautiful going on.  

There were lots of wrong moments in 2018. It seems that each of them spiraled and kept fueling the tornado that may have started in 2017, or I just allowed them to live in my head and block anything good.  The fact remains that everything that has gone wrong could have been even worse! How is it that I didn't remind myself of that?  How is it that the most significant part of who I truly am was snuffed out? I was tired. 

That's it in a nutshell. I was tired. It is work to stay positive. It is harder to see the silver lining. For some, it is more comfortable to sit in negativity, to accept "this is as good as it gets" than to change your mindset and focus on what are the good parts.   The work of staying positive is overwhelming.  I was tired, and I allowed terrible things happening around me and the negativity of those around me to latch on.  I absorbed it and began only focusing on that side of the fence, so to speak.  Then I saw the post.  I saw all the extraordinary things that had happened during a year that all I seemed to recall were the tragedies.  

So here I sit thinking, "hindsight IS 20/20," and we have started not just a new year but a new decade. It is 2020! It's going to be work. It is going to be hard.  We are going to be tired.  Let's take naps and revitalize. Let's cheer one another on. Let's remember pleasant moments and build on them. Let's create a 2020 that when we look back on it, the cliche of hindsight is irrelevant because we chose an outlook to focus on the marvelous moments. 

Raining in Hope

It's raining ... again.

This seems to happen periodically.  The clouds above fill up with moisture to capacity and then all of a sudden without warning droplets of water fall from the sky and hit the earth below creating a soggy wet experience for all.

Okay, typically it doesn't happen without warning.  There are plenty of news stations and stations dedicated solely to the weather that will give you predictions of upcoming precipitation. So we are typically not too surprised when it happens.

You would think the same would hold true for those people in your life that constantly disappoint you. After all, they have shown you time and time again who they truly are and yet you decide to cling to hope that they will change or something in the foundation of who they are will come to the surface and replace the undesirable behavior. It doesn't happen. You get mad, or sad and then you move on clinging to that hope that next time will be different.  Why?

Why do we cling to that hope?  We have years of proof that it isn't going to change and yet, we hope. A synonym for hope is "expect" but how can one expect a change if time and time again the results are always the same?  Where does hope come from and why do we cling to it?   Actually, statistically speaking we seem to have less hope compared to the early 1800s ( a fact that doesn't surprise me much).  Look here to see the use of hope over the decades:

Usage of hope

You can see, although the literary use of the word "hope" has diminished we have not "lost all hope" and there, in the end, lies why we continue to allow people around us who continue to act badly the opportunity to "try try again".  Just as we hope the rain will stop.

Hope Beats Hate

How is HATE abolished without more hate?
Through love and understanding. Through hope and kindness, Through information and education.
 I’ve been waiting since the 60’s for that. Try, try again. Watching history repeat itself makes believing that there has been or will be a change difficult.  Why would we want to escape if the hate from the 60’s had died. Peace, love, understanding and education didn’t work then, why will repeating the same work now? 

The above was an exchange with a friend of a friend and I asked that she give me time to respond as after reading her comments I wanted to answer thoughtfully.  I feel her frustration. After much thought, some things that came to mind were, I believe many things have changed from the 60’s and through love, understanding, kindness, and all of it there has been changes towards abolishing hate. Is it completely abolished? No. Will it ever be?  Most likely not. Does that mean we stop trying?  For me, that answer is easy – HELL NO.

I believe that hate stems from a foundation of fear. There are two main avenues I believe the fear comes from. The fear that happens when a person either does not have the correct information or simply decides to ignore the correct information and the fear of losing something, typically power.

The fear of loss of power feeds hate in a way that does not always look like fear. In fact, people who bully others (a type of hate) typically do not look afraid. Typically, they are the ones causing the victim to be afraid but I believe nine times out of ten the bully is afraid of something. Whether it is others seeing them as weak, losing some sort of status they believe they have, something in their mind tells them this behavior is necessary for their survival.  They aren’t wrong per se, in their mind, they are misinformed. Which brings us back to education or correct information. 

(It is very important that education or correct information not be misconstrued with an opinion or incorrect information.  Correct information is associated with a word – that word would be FACT.  Unfortunately, the word FACT has been attacked and somehow become the new “F-word” and is not respected as it should be so for this article and to keep things clear I will continue to use the phrase – correct information.)

How some people feel if homosexual couples get the same rights as male/female couples it somehow invalidates their marriage. This is incorrect information and opinion.  If two men or two women marry one another and have the same legal rights as a man and woman couple it does not take anything away from the man/woman union.  It does not make it less legitimate, it does not take away any legal rights, it does nothing to their marriage AT ALL.  Even if man/woman believe in a religion that believes it is a sin to be in a relationship with someone from the same gender giving homosexuals the legal right to marry does not condemn the man/woman relationships. It just doesn’t.  If, and for me, it’s a big “IF”, homosexuality is a sin and those engaged in it are solidifying their fate to some fiery hell, that is between them and God, it still has no bearing, no influence, no power or authority over the same-sex marriage in any way.  Why hate? Leave Tom and Bob, Sarah and Ann alone.  They are humans in love and are not asking you to join them. (On a side note: I believe the high percentages of marriages that end in divorce are more of an attack on marriage than any same-sex marriage and even so, I do not hate or condemn people who are divorced. Put your hate away.)

Systems of faith and worship, also known as Religion often is the foundation some will stand on to justify their hate.  If you are condemning someone, if you have a right that you are not affording to someone else based on your religion, that is hate.  You can have your belief system, your faith but do not take away another person’s rights because of it.  There is a very good reason our forefathers separated Church and State. This is because the whole reason they fled their country for a new land was so they could worship as they wanted. Religious freedom is the basis of what the United State of America was built on. Yes, most of the people who came over and wrote our Constitution were Christians but they did not and had no intentions of creating a Christian Nation. They knew what it was like to be told they must align themselves with whatever religion the monarchy deemed and they came here looking to get and give the freedom to worship as each individual wished.  This is why religion has no place in making laws.

Yesterday my husband and son were having a discussion about feminism and I was enlightened on some incorrect information my husband had, when my son said, “Feminist are against men and hate them, right?” My husband said yes and I immediately had to clear that up. And just to clear it up for those of you who think the same thing … feminists do not hate men. (Well, I suppose there are people out there who happen to be feminist and may, in fact, hate men but they don’t hate them because they are feminist) Feminism is not about hating men or taking anything away from them. It is about raising women up and equality for them.  No one would ever say Martin Luther King hated white people just because he wanted equality for blacks. 

Wanting equal rights does not mean you want to take away the rights of others; it does not mean you want to lessen the rights of others. It simply is wanting, and frankly deserving, the same rights afforded to others because that is what is right.  That is what we all deserve because we are all humans. Period.  It does not matter our color, our gender, our religious affiliation, or our income each one of us have inalienable rights and here in the United States of America we also have rights granted to us by The Constitution. 

Check your hate at the door, people.  If you are treating another human badly, you need to stop and ask yourself why. What are you afraid of?  Being kind to them, will it really hurt you?  If they have the same rights as you, will your rights be lessened?  Is the information you have correct?  How would you feel if you were being treated the way you are treating them?  Take a breath. Ask yourselves these questions, check yourself.  And while we are at it, check on others. If you see people spreading hate, hurting others, stand up and be the voice of CORRECT INFORMATION.

Let’s stop the hate, together, and no matter how long it takes, let’s not give up HOPE!

Love Lots;Smile Often 

How Do You "Unplug"

There is much going on in our world today that can bring us down or make us angry.  It is no secret our country is very divided presently, however, we all still have to roam this beautiful landscape in some form together.  There is no way to avoid things that make us upset completely but how about unplugging for a spell and clearing your mind?

Autumn is the perfect time to breath in deep to enjoy the crisp air, stroll through the park or even down your streets and take in all the bountiful colors, stop by a local farm or cider mill and enjoy some warm cider and, if you are so inclined, pumpkin spice anything!

May I also suggest putting your phone on airplane mode for a bit?  With all the wonderful sights you may not want to shut it off because you will want to take a picture or three hundred but silence your phone. Take a break from calls, texts, and mostly the internet to just enjoy the beauty of Autumn.  In Western New York there are Fall Festivals, as well as many parks to enjoy a hike in, not to mention camping.  Whether you tent camp or cabin camp, getting out into the woods at this time of year is definitely a nice breather from all the chaos that surrounds us these days.  And even for those of you who just aren't "camping material" check out some Bed and Breakfast places.  There are plenty in the heart of wooded countrysides and maybe if you are lucky you won't get any service on your cell so you can truly unplug for a night.

Spend some time around a campfire not discussing the events happening around us.  Talk about childhood memories, how beautiful the leaves are, sing songs together, or just enjoy the crackling of the fire.  A campfire with a warm cup of cider on a cool crisp Autumn evening after a long hike enjoying the variety of colors is enough to put anyone into a calm and restful state of mind.  We all need a break from the daily grind and a break from the climate of anger surrounding the news lately isn't a bad idea either. 

Happy Autumn everyone - go enjoy it!

A Question of Opinion

What's different about opinions today than from yesteryears?  In a word (or two), social media.  There is an old saying, "Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and they all stink."  Two things, the quote itself is an opinion (Irony anyone?) And the opinion it states doesn't seem very respectful.  I bring up respect because I was asked about respecting other's opinions, and the more I thought about it, the more I thought - people don't and never have if they disagree with their own opinion.  So what is different today? 

It's just my opinion, (insert snarky smile here) but people are more "vocal" today. When you shared your opinion before social media, it was within a small group of people.  It might have gotten heated, there might have been vulgarities thrown around but it was spoken and typically not recorded. When the event ended or the group broke up and went on to other venues the discussion was done and people moved on.  Today, someone writes a post, through Twitter, Facebook, a blog, and suddenly masses of people, (often people who have never even met) people from all over the world have something to say about that opinion. (And it is there forever, screenshots have added a new dynamic to the permanency of our responses.)  Add in that the responders are behind a screen at a keyboard typically far far away from the original opinion writer and they feel "safe" in saying whatever they please.  In a face to face group, there was always a risk of being popped in the face with a fist or something, no worry about the physical retort on social media!

Today, it would seem as though more people very quickly make personal threats and use vulgar language to cut down another person's opinion when it doesn't match their own views because social media is, well, immediate. It isn't that people didn't disagree before the internet, it is just the internet has made discussions larger and more accessible. This is not reserved for politics and religion.  People will get into heated arguments over sports, entertainment, lawn care, driving, and just about anything.  If you have an opinion about something and you put it out there on social media to the public, I can almost guarantee that you will hit a nerve with someone who has to share why your opinion is wrong.

The super tragedy of this is, we now have venues in which we can reach an abundance of people from all different backgrounds. We could learn so much. We have the ability to read, contemplate and think before reacting.  There isn't a time limit on when we can respond to a post.  We can also choose not to respond. (Remember when Momma said, "If you don't have anything nice to say, best to not say anything at all"?) However, so many choose not to only respond but to actually attack the person.  Not the opinion, they do not debate or set forth valid reasons for their difference of opinion but actually, attack the person with words because their opinion differs.  I believe these attacks are the worst part of social media and the biggest difference between the pre-internet era and today.  Even if people did attack the person verbally, I do not feel that people threatened them.  I don't recall anyone telling someone to "go kill themselves" just because their opinion differed from theirs.  Granted, I've not lived everywhere, I have not been privy to every debate of opinion throughout time and the world, however, it is, again, my opinion that many have thrown out discretion, hide behind their anonymity, and often write terrible hurtful things to strangers without thought of how damaging it can be.  This is the sad dark side of the internet and social media.

The new questions we should be asking ourselves before we post comments are: How does my comment benefit the conversation? How does my comment help us to move forward as a society? and maybe most importantly: Would I say this comment out loud face to face in front of a large group?

We need, more than ever, to check ourselves before typing.  The animosity today is thick. 
Tensions are high and it would seem, understanding and empathy have fallen by the wayside.  We have more and quicker access to a larger amount of information and people.  Instead of being quick to attack another's opinion how about we take a little time to get to know where people are coming from, what background they have, and "listen," ask questions, learn and maybe even comment with, "I respectfully disagree and this is why," rather than attacking.  It all starts somewhere, let kindness and understanding begin with you.

#BeKind #LoveLotsSmileOften

A Clarification of Representation

As a woman with a certain set of skills that traditionally are not considered womanly, I understand being treated badly because someone believes I shouldn't be able to use a certain power tool, or know where a part is under the hood of an automobile. Being thought of as less educated, less able, or less anything pales in comparison to being thought of as a criminal simply based on the color of my skin.  This is why Colin Kaepernick and others kneel.  If this bothers you I have a few questions for you:

Do you kneel to pray? Have you always stood during the National Anthem, with hand on heart, facing the flag, not talking to your neighbor or doing any number of other things?  How about when it is on television and you are in the comfort of your own home?  Do you stand? Or do you sit on your couch with your nacho chips and beer?  Have you always cared SO MUCH about our flag?  Do you have one properly displayed on your property?  Do you know how to properly display it? And most importantly, when did the flag of the United States of America become a representation of veterans?

Do not misinterpret that last question, I love many veterans. I have many close to me, related to me, and many I call dear friends but the flag does not represent them - it represents our country. ALL OF US!  Me, you, the crying baby just born, Colin Kaepernick, my mother-in-law who only became a citizen because she wanted a passport to go on a cruise, the immigrants that came off the boat to Ellis Island in 1892 who became citizens because they wanted a better life, the slaves that were brought here in the early 1600's who were granted citizenship (finally) in 1868, and every person "born or naturalized in the United States" according to the 14th Amendment of our Constitution. The flag represents all of our country, not a select group.

Veterans who scream, "I fought for that flag and kneeling disrespects me." Frankly, no. You are wrong. It does not disrespect you or this country. This country, which again I remind you - is represented by the flag, is what you fought for.  And let's be real for a moment, not all that served did out of "love for their country".  There are many reasons why people have served over the history of our country.  Some served simply because they were told they had to (and some lied and cheated to get out of it).  The fact of the matter is, this country, is made up of many different people, of many different backgrounds, and many different colors and that flag represents every single one of us.

The Constitution of the United States of America affords each of us the right to protest.  In fact, it is the very first amendment:

            Amendment I. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

This is a foundation of what our country was built on.  You do not have to agree with it, you do not have to like it. You do have to know that this is what is written.  

Let me end with this clarification:

Veterans fight for our country which is represented by our flag (and National Anthem)- which represents all the citizens of the United States of America who are given the right by the first amendment of our Constitution to protest peaceably something that needs to be fixed. And the way in which minorities and people of color are treated in this country needs to be fixed, posthaste.

First Impressions Need Time

How many times have you looked at something only to find on closer inspection it wasn't what you thought it was?  This may hold true for people as well!

We meet someone and there is always that first impression.  Sometimes the first impression happens even before we speak to them.  You see a someone across a room, maybe it is the way they are dressed, the people surrounding them, or lack thereof, or possibly it is the cut of their hair or their stride. For whatever reason, you gather the data and in your mind, you begin forming an opinion of that person. A judgment.  You might be spot on or you may be so far off the mark no one can figure out how you even got there, the point is, it is human nature.  I'm not a fan of it but it cannot be helped except ... it can!

Of course, we cannot necessarily control the first thoughts that go through our minds upon meeting or seeing someone. It is typically based on history.  Your eyes take in what they see and your brain associates it with things from your past; things you have read, experienced or heard about.  Basically, your brain takes all this information from the past and mixes it up with what you are experiencing at this moment and comes up with "a theory" of sorts. You cannot help the experiences and knowledge from your past mixed with the current information create a certain conclusion. However, you can choose to put that thought on the back burner and allow time, conversation, and allow personal experience with the specific person to create a much better and a more well-informed impression. Testing the theory of sorts, as it were.

People are not generally patient.  They want instant results and there is something about "gut reactions" that some people feel are truer to form than allowing time to make a decision or form an opinion. This is absurd due mostly to the fact that a gut reaction has only the immediate information to base its response on and we all have "off" days. Gut reactions may be a good starting point, but gathering more data and making an informed decision is better.  Add in that there are so many sides to all of us. How unfair and unfortunate if we are judged on just one small part of who we are? Not just for the person being judged but for the person making the judgment.  You never know when you are going to miss out on someone truly spectacular because you decided too soon they weren't worth your time. 

Let's give one another a chance to be our best selves and remember, that won't necessarily be the very first time we meet.